Many Roads: From Desperation to Wichita

Almost exactly two years ago, I started asking God to let me go on an adventure. I wanted to be thrown out of my comfort zone, into a strange new land (like Michigan or Pennsylvania), and I wanted to help the pro-life cause while I was at it. I had no plan, so I put my feelers out. I sent job applications to crisis pregnancy centers in seven different states. Anyone could have told you I was desperate. One by one, phone call after email, God shut every one of those doors which had seemed so open and inviting. I couldn't understand why God didn't like my idea. "Anywhere, God, please, but here," was my prayer. He was asking me to stay home, and like the God He is, He gave me opportunities to face a few fears:

-For a long time, I've been afraid that little kids don't like me. It always took them a while to warm up to me. So when I was asked to be a mother's helper for a wonderful family, I said yes. I learned so much letting a three-year-old drag me all over my hometown. She tore apart my fear and replaced it with hope.
-Summer 2015 at the Chapel was hard for me and I was afraid it would only get harder. So when the director asked me to create a counselor position in the Chapel in 2016, I said yes. And I experienced the best summer yet. God let me train as a pro-life counselor and gave me hope to continue my cause.
-During my nightmares, I developed a fear of dogs. So, every time over that year I was asked to watch dogs, I said yes. It was hard at times, but it was incredibly healing. God knew what He was doing.

These roads through fears and hopes were not what I was asking for. Slowly, though, He taught me to be content. I stopped asking to leave. "Show me what you want me to do and I'll do it."
So He sent me down more little roads that I didn't understand at the time:

-I never technically signed up to help at Bible Day Camp, but I showed up and they put me to work. At the end of that week, our kids knew how to spell "Christian", put on several skits all by themselves, and were hugging me goodbye.
-I didn't go back on Staff at the Chapel this summer, but I did visit my sisters several times. I was blessed over and over again by the camaraderie of 2017 Staff and was given the gift of leaving with peace each time.
-I'm not good at dancing and it used to make me very self-conscious, but I attended nine dances this year. And loved every minute of those swing dances, contra dances, and Civil War balls. They were thoroughly unexpected adventures.

On July 30th, I was offered an internship with Justice For All, a pro-life organization that does campus outreach all over the States. I applied and was accepted in two weeks. Two weeks later I packed my life into my car and drove to Kansas. I've been here for two weeks now. That blows my mind. After two years, God sent me on a road trip I never expected. "Would you ever have thought you'd end up in Wichita, Kansas?" One friend asked me when I got the news. "No," I answered, "never."

So here I am, and I will be using this blog to keep people posted on what God is doing in this place I didn't know to ask for after He filled my days with one small road after another.

Chorus of "Many Roads" by Andrew Peterson

"Could it be that the many roads

You took to get here

Were just for me to tell this story

And for you to hear this song

And your many hopes

And your many fears

Were meant to bring you here all along"

They Are Not Real

For a blog titled "Cheery"type, I've written a lot of things that haven't been cheery. I'm an optimist, so I thought it would be easier when I started this blog to write about happy things. Since then, I've realized that happiness isn't the core idea behind optimism. Keeping faith in the midst of hard things is more of the idea, and I want to share a story with you from the past couple years where I learned something new about faith. If you have or are experiencing a battle against your own mind, I hope my own battle can help you.



Tacked to a corkboard in my room is this black square of construction paper with the words "They are not real" written in chalk. It's right where I can see it when I wake up from a nightmare to remind me that the nightmares do not reflect reality in any way. I needed the reminder because, for a long time, I couldn't tell the difference between nightmare and truth.

I haven't always struggled with nightmares. I never got them as a kid and I didn't understand what the big deal was. When mine started in 2013, I did some research on dreams and found very little for my effort. Nobody really understands what goes on in our brains while we sleep. That's why I'm writing this. Because there are those who defy the statistic that says that only children have nightmares. If those people are anything like me, they have felt alone and, frankly, crazy.

They started gradually. A few scattered nightmares in 2012, followed by two months of consistent nightmares in summer of 2013. There were more in 2014, but it got bad in February of 2015 where I had one nightmare a week for four months. That spell clearly ended by the grace of God. A couple months later though, they came back... and that's where it got crazy.

That August, the nightmares came back with a vengeance. They followed a terribly difficult summer. Confused by what God was doing in my life, I tried to get rid of these nightmares on my own. I relentlessly researched solutions, stayed up late and woke up early, tried new eating habits; I thought I tried everything. Nothing worked. On average, I had a nightmare every two days. Sometimes I could go a whole two weeks without getting one, and sometimes I would get four in one night. They just kept coming month after month after month.

All this I was virtually silent about. By spring of 2016, three people knew how bad things were and they were praying for me. The problem was, I had given up praying for me. I accepted that I didn't understand what God was doing and just let it happen. I stopped trying to cover up the circles under my eyes. I forgot what rest felt like. That year, I accepted the fact that at least once a week I would wake up screaming, sweating, or afraid of whoever I had dreamt about. My understanding of what a nightmare was deepened painfully. Some of my nightmares took people that I loved and changed them. Tweaked them. Gave them new personalities and replaced my memories of them with these new memories that were fake, but oh so real in my head. Because of the frequency and intensity of my dreams, I had forgotten who certain friends really were. Some nightmares involved the deaths of loved ones. Others, recurring ones, gave me new fears like a fear of big dogs and bad men. You see, when I woke up from a nightmare, it stayed in my head. That was the greatest struggle. I couldn't shake them. Images from what I had seen during the night followed me all throughout the day. They bothered me and dragged me down to the point where I was afraid to sleep.

I didn't know how to tell others what I was experiencing. To me, it sounded crazy, dumb, as though I should know better than to be influenced by what I was seeing. It was embarrassing. Because there's nothing "actually wrong." Because it's inexplicable. I couldn't trust my brain to tell me the difference between a real memory and a memory fabricated by a dream. Sproul said one time, "At times, I myself am vexed by thorny questions about memory. I have had dreams so vivid and intense that years later I am not sure if I am remembering a dream or a real experience." Real seemed so far away. I was lost and defeated. When a year passed, I wrote in my diary, "I don't know how to hope that this trend will go away." But it did. After 13 months, it ended.

The fears have faded. I've already forgotten most of the content of my 100+ nightmares, though there are some I may never forget. It's been three months since I had a nightmare. (I had a freak nightmare in late November. That was a big deal, and I'll explain in a minute.) That's the longest peaceful streak I've experienced in two years.

What I've realized is that God doesn't always increase our faith by answering our prayers.  "At other times, He leaves our problems but gives us His strength so that we can have victory over them on a day to day basis, thus revealing His sustaining grace." -Sande. Lots of times, He calls us to trust Him in the midst of hard things. "Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child." -Krippayne. I'm only beginning to understand the depths of this faith thing. I've failed many times and I know that failing is human and common and a battle that I will fight for the rest of my life. But God is gracious and faithful. "He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and a buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night. . . When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble..." Psalm 91: 4-5; 15.

When the nightmares stopped in September, I started to seek advice for what I should do if they came back. I firmly believe that the nightmares stopped because of a conversation I had with my mother. I finally opened up to her about what I had been going through and she listened and helped me. This is the advice that she gave me for if the nightmares ever came back: to write down the details. To tell someone I trust. To pray immediately for faith, trust, peace. Then, one night in late November, I was given a chance to use this advice. I woke up screaming from the worst nightmare I've ever had and I immediately prayed. I wrote down the dream. I kept praying. I listened to music, prayed for the people in my dream, and was able to fall back asleep. Later that week, I told my best friend about my nightmare and she helped me get past it. I haven't had a nightmare since. There's no guarantee they won't come back, but I'm ready this time because I'm surrounded by people who love me and a God who understands.

Moral of the story: you're not alone. You feel alone, you think it's better that way, but it's not. Seek out help. Talk to God. Don't stop talking to God. Tell people you trust and ask them to pray for you and with you. They won't understand. Your battle is different from theirs, different from mine, but just because we don't understand doesn't mean we can't help. People wanted to help me, but I didn't ask them. When I finally did, they responded lovingly. Reach out and let people reach out to you. It makes a difference. It might not make the trouble go away, but you will have help. God gives strength to those who ask.

My Doctor Who Scarf Projects

A few years ago, one of my best friends introduced me to Doctor Who and the 4th Doctor's scarf, one of the show's iconic accessories. In the autumn of 2013, I decided to learn how to knit, and my friend kindly pestered me about knitting the 12 foot long scarf for him. In January of 2015, I finally did. Since then, I have made a test scarf for myself, an improved one for him, two commissions for friends, a custom blue version for my crazy uncle, an Etsy commission, a custom edition for my little sister (the width is two stitches narrower than the original), and the season 18 "red" scarf.

 Each scarf took between twelve days and four weeks to complete. I was ridiculously excited for the first one. I basically only stopped to eat and sleep between Christmas Eve and mid January. The fastest was the most recent original.

 The first day the scarf on the left was delivered, it weathered snow, twigs, sawdust, and sweat. Since then it has stretched to 14 feet and visited several states. The scarf on the right is mine. It has gone from 10 feet to 10 and a half feet and has seen less travel. Another difference between the scarves is that my scarf used a green yarn that was discontinued before I was able to stock up for the other scarves. The latter green was worsted, which assisted in most of the second scarf's expansion.

 My first commission! I met the recipient of my third scarf and nerded out with her about the show and all the places this scarf would visit. Her's also sports the later, more vibrant green.

 The blue version was my favorite challenge. I searched craft stores including JoAnn fabrics, Michael's, A.C.Moore, and Hobby Lobby for weeks before finding the perfect combination of six blues and one complimentary gray. The pattern is the same as the original except with eight tassels instead of the recommended ten.

 This was taken the day I completed the first project, before I even put the tassels on. It measured ten and a half feet, shorter than expected because I accidentally used the wrong gauge needles.
The scarf project has been the theme of my year, so far taking up about six months. I've learned a lot about patience and dedication in the process. Investing in the yarn, tools, and time was a commitment almost as big as my part-time job earlier this year.

My last project this year was the "red" scarf from season 18. Before stretching, it measured 13'6'' long, 10'' wide. I knitted it in 2 and a half weeks using acrylic yarn. It took another week and a half to put the ends in, crochet the edging, and put all 42 tassels on. My sister looks like the Doctor's companion, Tegan, so she did the modeling for me.

The Friendship Poet - Interview

Recently, Ophelia-Marie Flowers (who I've mentioned before) published her third book of poetry! Entitled "Colored Highlights and Drifting Shadows ~ Friendship's Moments", Ophelia's book covers many aspects of the wonderful and changing world of friends that she inhabits. I had the honor of being included in this book and now I'd like to return the favor and showcase Ophelia and her work here for all of you.

1. What is your book about?

"This book is about friendship, in its varies forms and changes.
'Friendship is full of highlights and shadows. Sometimes it is bright and joyful as we learn, build trust, grow, and laugh together. Other times it is dark and confusing as we get hurt, question, change and sometimes even break apart.
In many ways, friendship changes who we are - the way we view the world, how we live, what we reach for, and who we trust. It is a reminder of our fallen nature - It is an even greater reminder that we are not meant to walk alone.
This book of poetry, quotes, and scripture explores both the joys and pains bound in friendship, and seeks to share many of the lessons we learn from each other.'"

2. Who inspired you to publish your works?

 "J. Grace Pennington inspired me when I was about sixteen years old to publish my writing. She was and is a big encouragement to me, and having her faith in me really pushed me to pursue publishing. You know those type of people you just right-off- the-bat look up to? Grace was that to me... She has been a precious friend and inspiration for several years now.  She also taught me to appreciate, and then love, free-verse poetry."

3. Of the poems in your most recent book, which is your favorite and why?

"The poem, "A Day With You" was written to my best friend. It chronicles a normal weekend at her home, and captures to me the love and joy I feel with her family. When I read it, I remember the wonderful times spent with her. We've been friends since I was about 8, and I have many fond memories of our times together over the years."

4. Does music help or harm your creative process? If it helps, what music?

"If it is free-verse, music can help me get in the mood. I actually have created a Youtube playlist with a few songs about friendship.
When I write poetry that rhymes I often end up with tunes in my head that help me with the rhythm. If that is the case, listening to outside source music can be distracting and make me lose my beat."

5. Where can people find out more about your writing and books?

"I am hosting a giveaway on my blog, and more details are there. :)"
Here is a picture of the giveaway prizes:

I am so thankful for my friendship with this talented young lady. Her passion for God, writing, and dragons have brought us close and I pray we remain so throughout our lives. You rock, ZA! <3

Ghosts and Glory

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can see the ghosts I've been trying to get rid of. It hurts to see all that progress break apart in those little moments where my regret peeks out. It frowns at me and ventures a little further out until I'm frowning too. The longer I look, the more the memory spreads across my face onto my whole attitude and pretty soon I've lost all my hard work and I'm left at square one, face to face with the me I used to be.
 

This look, where my eyes darken and the smile slips away, it speaks to my brain, whispers to my heart. It lies to me again and again. It tells me I never should have tried to be strong. It tries to convince me that my convictions don't matter and that I wrecked every chance I had at a happy life. It stalks my emotions and pokes my fear, my longing, my discontent, and desire.

Regret grabs ahold of my sadness and drags it to the forefront. "See this?!" It asks. "This represents the fun you could have had if you weren't so stuck-up and righteous." Then It throws my sadness to the darkness and pulls out my loneliness. It dangles it in front of my face and sneers, "See here? This is that suitor you could have had if you weren't so picky!" This too, It tosses aside. Reaching farther into my heart, Regret reminds me of my failures. "This is quite a pile of sin you have here. What would happen if it was all uncovered and put on display? Where would you be then?"

It sits on the corner of a box of tears and taps a puddle that has formed on the ground. "You could have spared yourself all these tears. Look at them: what good did they do you? Just a lot of worthless sorrow."

Then It sits quietly, watching my back stoop with the weight of my regrets. It's content for now; I'm defeated, clawing at my heart, begging to feel anything other than this crippling agony.

There are long seconds of silence around me, but in my head are playbacks of every conversation where my view of right conflicted with the way I wanted to live. I'm reminded of every time I justified a step backward. Little excuses that brought me further away from purity and closer to pain. They flit in and out of my subconscious, dancing in my peripheral brain.

One by one they fade away. They've had their fun and now I'm on my hands and knees, struggling to breathe. I fight against Regret, but not for the reasons that It shoves in my face. It would have me believe that these pleasures on Earth are all I live for, all I fight for. But it's wrong. That's not why I'm here.

This realization, this thought, how am I even capable of thinking it? Here I am at the end of my rope and I'm reminded of the reason I stopped falling. I stopped giving in and I spoke from the Spirit. All my slipping and sliding was wrong. All my decisions to embrace this world were corrosive. With strength I cannot describe, I fought against my self. I made a choice, and I chose right instead of me. I said goodbye to fear, longing, discontent, and desire. I said goodbye to sadness and loneliness. I chose joy and hope instead. I embraced holiness and purity. I was given peace and I clung to it with every strength endowed. I called wisdom my sister and grace my companion. And every day I must choose these things again.

Every day I must lift up my pain to the Father and request His gift of forgiveness. Without Him, I am dead, swallowed in pity and buried in hate. With my God in Heaven, I am unstoppable. I am not of this world. I am a stranger, learning to trust my King and rely on His power and give Him glory day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, fall and rise, temptation and victory, sin and salvation.

Regret watched from a distance as all my convictions regained their footing in my heart and mind. It watched them rise up as an army led by a trustworthy Leader, and It disappeared. The light came back into my eyes and my mouth regained serenity. Ghosts like to think they have power. They pick and choose their weapons carefully, but they are no match for the One who created the universe. My God is holding on to me tighter than I can hold on to anything in this life. 

Debunking a Belief

This is an email I wrote the night of an extraordinary evangelism conversation on the Wildwood Boardwalk in 2013. I wrote it to my best friends back home, who had recently helped at the Chapel for a week with others from our church.

July 27th, 2013

Tonight (which is really last night as I write at 1:30am), I had the coolest conversation with a complete stranger. My evangelism team consisted of two shy youth groupers and myself. We set off for the Dark Side at 11pm on the dot with only 43 minutes to have a conversation which lasted 62 minutes. I was on point and I approached the first convenient couple I saw: a man and woman who looked to be about mid to late twenties. I politely asked permission to talk with them about faith and God and they both readily agreed to "a few minutes". 

The man was instantly interested. They both introduced themselves as "Christians" though they did not agree with the truthfulness of the Bible. After just a few minutes, I learned that all the man wanted to do was discuss science, and the woman needed to work through specifics about her faith. God directed my youth groupers to talk to her while I talked with the man.

He was friendly, casual, and considered me an equal even though he was a high school chemistry teacher who left the faith when he turned 15. He respected my beliefs, even saying, "I have my beliefs, you have yours. You're trying to change mine, and that might happen, though I know I won't change yours." We established early on that this conversation was a fun discussion for the sake of the furthering of knowledge.

The cool part is, that's not what happened. I started off the conversation with creation, which he countered with the theory of evolution, agreeing completely that both are theories. (70% of the time, he was defining his beliefs, 30% I was either countering them with my own or countering them with his own.) I was able to convince him that evolution (from one species to a new one) has never been observed. 

We moved to fossils: I gave evidence for instant fossilization while he hypothesized about 10 billion year old fossilization. Gradual evolution within a species: countered with the example of the giraffe (which he actually brought up and I actually knew about. Thank you Grandma Bloom for elementary school chapel stories). Overpopulation countered with increased forestation. Individual standard of the right and wrong countered with Hitler. Beneficial chaos with the 2nd law of thermodynamics. God gave me words and I spoke them. The crazy thing was, every time I proved him wrong, he admitted I was right. I deconstructed his worldview and showed him the internal consistency of my own. It was amazing.

Ok, I have to expound on the whole giraffe thing. We were talking about evolution within species and he says "think about giraffes with those crazy nerves. What kind of a God makes up that stuff?" I said "Let's talk about that nerve. Evolution could not have known that the giraffe needed that." I explained the purpose of the special nerve in its neck and how it supplies oxygen to the giraffe's brain while it drinks, and how one mistake with the first giraffe ever from "old man evolution" would kill out the whole giraffe race. He says "so then magically you get another giraffe." and I said "from where? magically? You're a man of science. You can't bring magic into this." And that's how that went. Evolution within species means the total elimination of whole races with just one mistake.

Another line I love is when he said "total human homicide is ok because the universe doesn't care if humans are eliminated." I replied calmly with "God cares." "Why?" "He loves us."

Also something you'll appreciate, he said "No one can know anything for certain. All truths are relative." I replied with "that statement is universal." Stumped him. We smiled. Such a cool moment.

19 minutes past curfew, this guy and I were still at the top of our game when Sarah and Pastor Z came to collect us. It was then that I gave the couple Trusting Christ tracts and got their names. I still wish I could go back and talk to him, this time about why he can trust my worldview and how to "adopt" it for himself.

Please pray that that man looks to Christ for his answers, not himself. Also pray that the lady trusts Jesus with her life, not just her chart of morals.

Oh there is so much more...we talked about the flood, dioxyribonucleic acids, lab experiments, deserts expanding, the earth getting magically catapulted into the sun, desire for knowledge and religion, afterlife as carbon, Plato, entropy (which he actually denied), crazy crazy stuff!

That's about it. I thought you guys ought to know what I've been up to. I'm so excited I can't sleep. Oh well. Have a great weekend and keep praying!

Your friend on the front line:

Susanna

My Missions Trip - FAQ

Hey everybody! I've assembled some frequently asked questions that I get from people when I tell them I'm going on a missions trip all summer. Enjoy!

Q: Where are you going?
A: The Boardwalk Chapel in Wildwood, New Jersey.

Q: What is the Boardwalk Chapel?
A: It is a ministry of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church that shares the gospel on the Wildwood Boardwalk.

Q: What do you do there?
A: I tell people about Jesus. Staff has opportunities to witness to the people who walk the boards directly through the Heaven and Hell machine and nightly evangelism, and indirectly through the programs. Staff also meets and disciples youth groups that visit the Chapel each week.

Q: How does the ministry work?
A: A team of approx. 15-20 volunteer staff and 4-5 Summer Assistants stays in Wildwood all summer and puts on a program every night for the board-walkers.

Q: What is in the programs?
A: Singing, skits, preaching segments, the Moment of Truth, and the Moment of Grace.

Q: What is the Moment of Truth?
A: A short explanation of a scientific fact and how it makes sense with a Biblical worldview.

Q: What is the Moment of Grace?
A: A Staff member or a visitor from a youth group gives a short testimony of where they have seen God at work in their life.

Q: What is the Heaven and Hell machine?
A: Essentially, it is a conversation-starter. It's a quiz with true or false questions about Christianity.

Q: What demographic do you reach?
A: Literally every demographic: rich/poor, old/young, country/city, all religious backgrounds. I've spoken with people from Guatemala, Russia, Canada, France, England, Egypt, India, Romania, and Philly.

Q: Where do you stay?
A: There is a house near the Chapel that is set apart for Staff.

Q: How long are you there?
A: June-August or about 75 days.

Q: How do you do evangelism?
A: Almost every night after the program, several groups of 2-4 Staff (including youth groups) are sent out onto the boardwalk to talk to people. We walk up to people sitting on benches and ask them questions to see what their worldview is, and present the gospel. Detailed post on evangelism coming soon.

Q: Are you going back next summer?
A: I am planning to return if it is God's will.

Q: How can I help?
A: You can pray, donate to the Chapel, assist me in my fundraising for the program fee, be part of a team that visits the Chapel and helps with programs or service projects, and/or spread the word.

For more information please "like" and "follow" The Boardwalk Chapel's page on facebook and check out the official site: boardwalkchapel.org