Dawn Run 10-26-13

Puffing lungs and pumping legs push me up the hill
Searching eyes and swinging arms spur me onward still
Tight lungs and tired legs extending to press on
Careful eyes and cold arms warm and are rewarded

Frost-covered grass snaps;
ground crunches below.
Ice-burdened wind moves;
my hair whips behind.

Light blue hues chase dark blues center-ward
Bright yellow reaches over green points
Pink stretches south as orange heads north
White frost melts from the tops of the tents

Standing still and staring
Sighing softly, smiling
Sunrise stands and sings,
"No night lasts too long"

To Me, There is Meaning

[this is a piece I did a while back to try and describe why little things affect us the way they do. Not sure if I nailed it, but these are things that I have done and felt. :) ]
To me, there is meaning in soaking up the sound of the lapping waves so I might hear it again when I am miles away. There is meaning in touching a wooden table in the hope of remembering how it felt. There is meaning in turning my head to catch one last glimpse of the place I am leaving so I'll have an imprint to study later.

To me, there is meaning in bringing the cup to my mouth before the drink has cooled so I might remember the taste of it when my tongue hurts. There is meaning in staring past the sun in the hope of seeing what it blocks. There is meaning in choosing to sit beside you so I can hear your words as the accompaniment to mine.

To me, there is meaning in smiling just a little wider in the hope it will brighten your day. There is meaning in studying the veins of a leaf so I might remember when I had no cares. There is meaning in pushing my feet ahead farther and faster so I can feel the wind against my cheek longer.

To me, there is meaning in anything that holds meaning for you. There is meaning in meaning alone when you need something to have meaning. There is meaning in temporary things for a temporary time and, if we're lucky, the meaning will last longer than the thing or action itself.
To me, there is meaning in believing that a moment is worth something beyond itself. There is meaning in what made the moment happen before we knew what meaning was. There is meaning in this life to reflect the meaning of the next life.

Missing Missions-Siblings

This one isn't exactly cheerful. It is very hard for me to write this, but I don't want it all trapped inside me. I want you to know one reason why it was hard for me to leave the mission-field. I didn't struggle as much with coming down off "Spiritual-High Mountain" into the "Plains of Boredom". I struggle most with missing the people I met on my missions trip. I'll expound on that missions trip later, but for now, here is a summary of those people and what it's like being away from them:

Earlier today, my mom and I talked for a bit about what it's like to miss the BWC Staff. "Why don't you miss Julia (my best friend who is now in college) like this?" My mom asked. I replied, "because I know I can see her again soon. It does something very different to your heart to realize that you may never see these people again in this life." They are not the people you politely ignore on the street. They are not the people with the cute kids or the cute puppy that you smile, wave, or coo at. They are not the people you spend your whole life with and never have to worry about leaving.
They are your missions-siblings. These are the people you grow incredibly close to in an incredibly short period of time. These are the people who pray for you every time they see you because they know you, and they know you need prayer. These are the people who will drop everything to talk to you. These are the people who can spend hours sitting with you on the beach doing nothing but breathing, soaking in the Spirit of the Lord in God's creation. These are the people who tease you when you mess up in rehearsal and bomb the performance. These are the people who will steal the last cookie from you to see the look on your face, and then make a new batch for you the next morning. These are the people who love you without needing to know everything about you. These are the people who will put up with you even if they don't agree with you. These are the people who you may never meet again in this life after the three months you spend together. These are the people who rip my heart to shreds every time I think of them. The ones who you share inside jokes with that the world will never understand. These are the people who you let become so close to you that you spend every possible moment with them, ignoring the fact that you are always one day closer to leaving them. These are the people who love you in a very different way from anyone else on this earth.
These are the people whose memories bring tears to my eyes even now. My heart leaps into my throat and I let it, because the memories are special.

A few weeks before I left, I considered why I was letting myself get so close with people I would have to leave. It seemed as though it wasn't worth the pain that I knew I would feel if I continued that way. The pain I'm feeling right now, and have felt all month long. The pain that might leave one day, but that is not this day. Back then, I pushed aside my shield and bore my heart on my sleeve. I never took it off. I let the love that each of them was willing to give, flood me. My heart is so full that it continues to spill over, causing tears to splash out frequently.

I didn't mean to, but I choked up even as I was talking to my mom. Every time I lose it, I think it will be the last time. Just how many tears can I cry for the loss of those special days? Those people are still out there somewhere, living the lives that they have always lived. But now I can't see them every day. I can't walk out of my room and see Isaiah cooking, Ross on his phone, Tara feeding Johnny, Drew and Steff debating about books, Caroline and Matt(the newly-weds) flirting, Ophelia ready with a "Good morning!", Zach reading his agriculture book, Lauren giggling or facebooking, Seth drinking his third cup of coffee of the morning, Erik and Luke chasing each other up the halls, Sarah planning music. It's all gone now. That house is empty. There are no Cummings's or Slacks or youth groups to meet.

Next year, when I go back, it will be different. None of those images in my head will ever be repeated that same way. And tears come just by thinking of it. Why is it gone? Why can it not last forever? I wept harder than I have ever wept on the day I left them.

God, it's hard. I don't understand. I want it all back the way it was, when I was content to just sit with them. It was so perfect. It is so hard to be content now. It's not impossible, but it's just not the same. I love them, God, and they know it. Why is it important that I hurt this much missing them? Will this pain improve me, make me more like You? Is so, then I gladly accept, but sobs are no fun. How many more tears, God? It's hard to breathe. Where are they? Are they ok? Do they hurt as much as I do? Will I ever see them again? God, thank you for making such wonderful people who can change my life like this. Please protect them and help them through the pain. I love you, God. Why else would it hurt this much? Help me, please. I trust you.

I do not post this to discourage you from going on a missions-trip. That is not my intention at all. I only wish to be honest with you that it might not be easy to come back home.